[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
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*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Time heals everything 🙂
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.