GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
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I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus