Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
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lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
What
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
New tinder profile pic
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem