My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
You Might Also Like
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..