I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
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*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?