my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
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I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
oh my gosh!!
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
doing some research
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
i did the math