I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
You Might Also Like
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Only short people can save us
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”