Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
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Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion