How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
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I swear some people should be banned from cooking
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person