Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
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I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”