The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
You Might Also Like
“A little help here, Danny?”
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again