Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
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[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.