Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
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i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Bike for sale
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.