Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
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ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Catercrombie & Fish
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Simple
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.