white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
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Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
#winning
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit