[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
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“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
me irl
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder