But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
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This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
My first son he is wonderful
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?