normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
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When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
had to share :’)
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.