Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
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Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention