*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
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Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
🌱🌱🌱
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible