I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
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Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Did…did a minotaur write this
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.