hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
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“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”