Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
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When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.