All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
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If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR