Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
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Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Otters see a butterfly.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried