North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
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So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
I put the hot in psychotic.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.