[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
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My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
hmm conte-me mais