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[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
💁🏻♂️
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.