I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
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(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this