What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
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[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.