5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
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Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Hitlers gonna hitl
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Worth remembering.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.