“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
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How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Well, this certainly took a turn
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
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“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.