My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
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Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.