Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
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I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Poetry is my passion
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish