WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
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Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
If a snake ate a cake
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Blew my mind.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.