spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
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Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.