Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
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As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
pizza
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.