i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
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There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
i will not be silenced
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?