New comic up. “Ransom”
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Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Note to self: I am a note
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.