My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
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In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.