A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
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What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.