Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
You Might Also Like
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no