Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
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Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef