Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
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The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer