Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
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bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*