I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
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After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed