You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
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Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.