I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
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america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.