Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
You Might Also Like
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune