you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
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Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.